Thursday, July 7, 2016


These are my toes. You might see them as long and weird looking, but you don’t know these toes. These toes have helped keep me balanced for over 48 years…physical balance, not mental…that’s a whole another story!! 

These toes helped me balance on the balance beam in my adolescent years and the little pinky toe on the right was broke on that balance beam. The pinky toe and its neighbor toe on the left foot were broken when a beautiful palomino horse name King Arthur stepped on my foot…didn’t keep me from riding in pain through my lesson that day and the next two weeks. 

Today these toes help me feel powerful and keep my balance in warrior yoga pose and comfort me when curled under me during child’s pose. These are the toes that hold me up on my tippy-toes to reach up to hug my 6’-3” baby boy! These are toes that scratch the bellies and curl in the fur of my four-legged babies. These are toes that dig in the warm sand at the beach while watching the waves come and go and brings me to a peaceful place. 

You might think these toes are insignificant, but to me they are beautiful!!

Monday, November 14, 2011


My Eric is back in treatment after a relapse last month. Every Saturday is Family Group at the program and each week we discuss and learn about different aspects of addiction and recovery. This past Saturday the subject was Post Acute Withdraw and this led into expectations upon completion of the program.

Eric's relapse came after 7 months of sobriety and I thought that 7 months was a long time, but they say that you are still in the early stages of recovery until you've been sober for 5 years. 5 years seems like a long time, but it really isn't when I compare it to how long I've waited for things from God in my life. I started a list during group that went something like this:

In Life you will...

1) Wait. You will wait a good portion of your life so be patient.
2) Not everyone is going to like you.
3) Want to be happy? Do something for someone else.
4) You don't always get what you want, but God will always give you what you need.
5) Things will always change...nothing remains the same.
6) The only person on this earth that you can control is yourself.

At the end of the session I gave Eric my notes and after he read them he asked me where they came from since it wasn't really what we were covering in the session. I just pointed to my head and smiled and told him these are the things that you can expect in life...not necessarily what other's will expect from you. He thanked me and smiled.

I'm fairly certain that Eric understands the mountain he is standing in front of, and I'm praying that he will choose to climb that mountain with God's help. Life isn't always easy, but life is good!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Tearing the Apron Strings

I received a text message on Thursday from Kate that said, "You should start blogging again". It only seems fitting that my first post back be about the young lady that inspired Kate.

Kate turned 15 1/2 years old on September 12th and of course we were at the DMV the very next day for her to take the Learner's Permit Test. She passed without any problem. She has been driving in our church parking lot with Dennis for the last couple of months and besides a bush and curb, all has been safe!! Today was her first behind the wheel lesson and I completely embarrassed her by taking a few pictures of her before she left!

I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous when I first drove with her, but it was more about letting her grow up than our safety. Kate is my little girl, born in the middle of two brothers. She was born mature and has kept us all in check over her 15 years of life, but she is still my baby girl.

Every new step she takes towards independence breaks my heart a little. At Spring Break this year we toured the college campus of UC Santa Cruz and I cried on the drive there. The realization that she will leave someday hit me right between the eyes!! With Eric things were so different and Eric leaving was a necessity to both of us, but Kate is my first experience of watching a child mature, grow-up and eventually leave. The "eventually" is my saving grace, each milestone tears the apron string and I'm hopeful that when the day comes that she actually "leaves the nest" that there will only be a little string that will need to be broken.

Kate is a beautiful young lady on the inside and out, mature beyond her years, intelligent and wise and I know she will be ready when it's her time, but it's me that I'm not so sure about!!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Eyes That Can See

I can only start this post by giving glory to God and to praise Him for being my loving and ever-present Father. It has been in my most trying times in life that I have felt His closeness and had to rely on Him for my next breath to just get through the next minute of life. But it has also been in my most joyous moments that I feel His complete love.

The last couple of months I have been witness to God's grace, mercy and the fulfillment of a continuous prayer prayed for the last 6 years. I have witnessed self-inflicted suffering and great pain; a hand reaching out in desperation for help; receiving of that help and a healing that has left me speechless.

On this 68th day of my son's recovery and sobriety it only seems fitting to give praise to the One who created him. Created in God's image with a plan and purpose on this Earth. Today he has clear eyes that see. His eyes see the past, and is conquering it; the present, and is taking it one day at a time; and the future before him unmarred and ready to be lived.

If today was my last day on earth, I would leave with a clean heart, hands and a joyous spirit because I have witnessed a miracle only possible by the hands of God.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Trail Mix and Walgreen's

A couple of weekends ago I found myself alone on a Saturday afternoon and armed with a list of errands to run, so I jumped in the car and headed out. Usually I enjoy my time alone, but it had been a hard week of sadness and a little bit of grieving over Eric and I really didn't want to be alone. As I was driving my mind drifted off into fantasy land and I was wishing that I would see Eric on the street and that I could just pick him up and we could spend the afternoon together. I thought if we could run the errands together, have lunch and just pretend that everything was normal what a joy that would didn't happen.

On Tuesday, I picked up Eric from the hospital to take him to a new dual diagnosis program. He needed to get prescriptions filled and toiletries for his month long stay so we went to the drug store. At the first store they didn't have the medication we needed so we just purchased the toiletries there and headed to Walgreens. We dropped the prescription off at the pharmacy to be filled and were told it would take about 20 minutes to fill the prescription.

Missing breakfast that morning, I grabbed a bag of trail mix and a diet coke and Eric picked out a coffee drink. We sat at the back of Walgreen's Drug store waiting for that prescription, eating trail mix and talking about the current situation. As we sat there I realized my fantasy had come true, but it was even better than I had imagined!! We weren't dining at the Cheesecake Factory as I had fantasied, but we were talking about the "elephant in the room" and we were dealing with pretending.

Knowing that Eric realizes the task ahead of him and that he is marching forward no matter how hard this is going to be, is so much better than pretending the problem doesn't exist. I'm proud of my son and so blessed to be on walking on this long road with him. And who knows, there maybe a lunch at the Cheesecake Factory for us in the future.

Monday, March 7, 2011

One Day at a Time

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein

A couple of Sunday's ago, driving home from a trip to Big 5, I saw Eric sitting on the steps of a church waiting to sign in for a bed for the night. I had searched him out a couple of weeks earlier at another shelter after losing track of him for a couple of weeks and receiving some unsettling emails. This Sunday night he didn't look good at all. Being out in the elements and not taking care of himself showed on his face. It's been cold out lately and his wind burned face and beard told a sad story of poor choices and the consequences of those choices. He was cold and shivering and had on a thin sweat shirt. I went home and got him a jacket and Kate grabbed a pair of her sweatpants to give him. When we got back to the church Eric had already checked in and we waited for him to come out. We hugged and spoke briefly and he looked like he was going to cry as we left. That nights sleep was restless and I couldn't get the image of his face out of my mind. When I hugged him, he smelled like Eric, but the eyes were lost and it haunted me.

Monday afternoon I received several concerning and irrational emails from Eric, but he wanted help. He was hearing voices and was certain that people where following him and after him. Finally, after several months of living in homeless shelter's and on the street Eric asked me for help. The situation had finally been bad enough to invoke a change...was this his rock bottom? He has spent the last week in the hospital and will be transferring to a dual diagnosis rehabilitation program tomorrow. There is a lot of work ahead for Eric, but for the last week he chose to stop the insanity and do something different and ask for the help he has needed for years.

This is the beginning of a long journey which I'm so grateful and blessed to be apart of. Eric will never be the man that I thought he would be, but he is a child of God and His purpose may be greater than anything that I could ever imagine.

Today I'm living "one day at a time" and that has never meant so much to me.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Sunshiny Monday

When I went to bed on Sunday night I was thinking about Monday. Sunday nights are always tough...preparing for the "work" week ahead is no fun! I hate Monday's, but I had come to an agreement with myself that it was coming whether or not I wanted it to so I might as well embrace it.

Even though I mentally protested, Monday morning came anyway. I got up and got moving with a forced smile on my face. On my commute into my office, about two exits away from mine, I got a phone call from Jackson. He needed me.

He was upset because the chain on his new bike broke. He also forgot his keys and couldn't get back into the house to put the bike back in the garage and was afraid it would get stolen if he left it outside. I called in and took the day off and turned around and headed back home singing and smiling!

When I got home, we put the bike away and headed out to breakfast. What an unexpected treat it was to sit on a Monday morning across from my Jaxie and have breakfast together! As we ate, we talked about school and of course baseball. After breakfast, I took him to school and headed out to do some shopping that I hadn't finished on the weekend. When I got home I had time to do some laundry and eat lunch before I was off to pick up Jackson from school.

I spent Monday afternoon watching Jackson's first baseball practice sitting in the bleachers with the warm sun shining on my face. I made it to Jazzercise and enjoyed class and then headed home for dinner. When I went to bed I thought "well my Monday is over", and I was very sorry to see it go so quickly. I had to stop and thank God for the unexpected day off and for giving me the opportunity to be the Mom he created me to be.

This will be the Monday that I will think of when I'm having a "Real Monday", and I will remember the day that I made a difference in my "not-for-very-much-longer" 12 year old son's life. God is good...